Jedi And Sith Agree To 6-Foot Lightsabers
“Matter more than ever, size does today,” said Jedi Master Yoda after the Jedi Council voted to unanimously pass new legislation mandating all lightsaber blades meet a minimum requirement of 6-feet in length to prevent the spread of the coronavirus.
The new galaxy-wide law, which goes into effect immediately, represents a historic moment for Force users everywhere. Never before have the Jedi Council and its Sith counterpart agreed to anything beyond wiping each other from existence and using comfortable robes to aid in said destruction.
“That mother%$@^ing coronavirus will kill you dead, no matter how high your midi-chlorian count is. Best to keep at least 6 feet away from anyone and everyone… and our laser swords being that long will really help contain the spread of that nasty a*& sh*$,” said Jedi Master Mace Windu.
Surprisingly enough, the new legislation was spearheaded by none other than current head of the Sith, Darth Sidious. The faceless villain realized that COVID-19, if left unchecked, could eventually spoil his years-in-the-making plot to destroy the Jedi, and completely overshadow the Sith as the biggest threat in the galaxy.
“While I would like nothing more than to eradicate the Jedi, doing so with help from a contagion that I did not engineer would give me and my apprentices no pleasure. Let me be clear: I am the one and only phantom menace that will end the Jedi. As such, I do not require assistance from some other invisible enemy,” said Darth Sidious via holographic communication.
“Technically, mine was almost six feet already… not looking for any brownie points, just saying,” added Darth Maul, who will be modding his double-bladed lightsaber with extenders to create a laser sword that’s nearly 16 feet from tip to tip.
The Jedi Council and Sith worked closely with the Intergalactic Senate to ensure the new bill would gain favor and pass into legislation seamlessly.
“I’m glad the Force sensitive community has come to realize the coronavirus is a common foe to both light side and dark side users. With this new regulation in place, lightsaber battles can resume and their rightful victors will gain the satisfaction of besting their opponent with superior skill rather than infected saliva droplets,” said Sheev Palpatine, a senator from Naboo.
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