The Real Truth About Shmi Skywalker Revealed
On a drunken night out in Foerost, hanging out with some shipyard droids, I heard the diminutive N0Z-8AL bragging about some oddly shaped jars he found in a cave nearby. After I whooped him soundly at Sabacc, and he couldn’t divvy up, I agreed to let him exchange the location of the jars to pay off his losses. What I discovered there nearly cost me my life, as even my crewmate IG-69 was assigned to take me out to prevent the truth from being revealed to an unprepared galaxy. This news would unbalance the entire universe of legends!
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Ironically, it only cost me a few credits for the speeder I hired to reach the crest of the cave. It was unremarkable, and I hoped it wouldn’t be teeming with vicious predators. I mean, I am a lover, not a fighter, and I gather intelligence the old-fashioned way, by eavesdropping and sleeping with aliens of varying colors and shapes. Poking around caves requires a certain carelessness I don’t normally possess.
I lit my torchlight and ignored the odd murmuring that seemed to surround me with each step. A kind of hushed “moy-moy” that repeated itself to the point where I couldn’t tell if it had stopped and was now part of my inner thoughts, perhaps madness was setting in. Or perhaps it was the odoriferous fauna that was causing me to get dizzy. Regardless, I endeavored forward.
Finally, I arrived at my prize: a cluster of seven jars, true to 8AL’s description. They were made up in the shape of deformed Gungans. Well, maybe just Gungans . . . what’s the difference, right? And I also discovered the source of the murmur, as it appeared one of the jars was equipped with a kind of Gungan homing beacon, which emitted that excruciating “moy-moy.”
Out of sheer annoyance, I smashed it, and a small scroll fell out. At first, I couldn’t read it, as it wasn’t in one of the 417 languages in which I am fluent, but a trip back to the hangout and another few credits to hire a protocol droid revealed what I had found . . . the true story of Shmi Skywalker and her child’s lineage! You can forget that easily debunked DNA report claiming Qui-Gon Jinn as the father of Anakin. It’s Bantha Poo Doo.
Here’s the true story of Shmi Skywalker as revealed in these Foerost Cave Scrolls . . .
Shmi belonged to House Lightbringer of the Kingdom of Cron in the Tion Cluster. She was a princess of one of the region’s more powerful rulers, King Shtru Warka, who was apparently a ruthless tyrant known for showing no mercy to his enemies or political adversaries. And in order to expand his influence, he forced Shmi to marry another royal, a Prince named Xintra.
By the descriptions mentioned in the scrolls, Xintra was much like Shmi’s father, a royal jerk! Shmi endured his company as long as she could, because it afforded her one benefit . . . she was able to catch quick glances of Xintra’s military attaché, Shtrehk Skywalker. The two had an affair that drove the rival kingdoms to war.
Desperate to flee together, they concocted a plan to escape the planet and elope, as Shmi was pregnant with Shtrehk’s unborn son. But Shtrehk was poisoned by a Xintranian loyalist, as Shmi had arranged for the ship to finally lead them to freedom. She had to protect her baby and journeyed alone in the vastness of space.
Quickly, she encountered a pirate vessel who took her hostage, thinking she was just a ship-jacker, and she was sold into slavery by the Hutts on Tatooine. That’s what the Gungan Scrolls revealed. And, I ask you, if this was not a true story, why did the Imperial Assassins Guild send IG-69 (and many others) to kill me? Until next time, please… Remember Shmi.
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