Anakin Skywalker Says Shyamalan’s “Old” Should Be Banned
CORUSCANT—Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker went on a bizarre rant during a HoloNet Live fundraising event for the Death to Death Sticks charity. When asked by a viewer whether or not he had seen the new trailer for M. Night Shyamalan’s Old, Skywalker began to scream at the camera, scaring parents and children who had gathered to receive a lightsaber lesson from him.
“It’s careless and absolutely disgusting. I hate it. There was no trigger warning at all. How do you release nearly three minutes of sand…gross, course sand getting all over people, and killing them, without a warning? And that’s even before the big twist is revealed. It’s pure insanity. I don’t know how this passes for entertainment in the Milky Way but it has absolutely no place in our galaxy,” said Skywalker.
The Jedi criticized the trailer for nearly 15 minutes as viewers flooded the screen with laughing emojis, surfboard icons and sand castle stickers, which further infuriated Skywalker.
“People have no idea how painful this trailer is for me. I was a slave on a planet made out of sand. My mom was murdered by sand people. Old is literally a sand murder porn movie. I really don’t know why Master Kenobi showed it to me. Twice. It’s sickening. I’m review bombing this immediately, and asking the Jedi Council to issue a galaxy-wide ban. So. Much. Hate. I have to protect Padme from this filth,” added Skywalker before abruptly leaving the charity event.
Old is scheduled to be released on July 23, 2021…unless Skywalker gets it banned, of course.
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