Rey Drops ‘Skywalker’ After Luke’s Sith Journals Discovered
TATOOINE—Construction on the all-new “Skywalker Jedi Academy” has been halted after a moisture farmer unearthed controversial paraphernalia kept by the late Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. Among the items found in a shallow sand pit just south of the Lars homestead were Darth Bane’s Path of Destruction (Collector’s Edition), war journals by Darth Malgus, a charcoal figure study of a nude woman with coils on her head, and a midichlorian counter that had been modified to allow for death stick vaping.
The shocking discovery has already seen Skywalker stripped of his star on the Coruscant Walk of Fame and banned from Force Ghost Group Activities by Yoda, but now his own spiritual daughter is disowning him.
Fighting back tears, Rey Skywalker announced she will be dropping her surname because Luke has brought “great shame to all of the Jedi.”
“I spent two days and two nights with this…this MONSTER…and he became like a father to me— ew gross! It has become clear to me now, however, that even when you think you know everything there is to know about a person, you really never know them as well as you think,” said the former Skywalker and founder of the soon-to-be-renamed “Skywalker Jedi Academy.”
Rey said she plans to destroy the items in a ceremonial funeral pyre to be held next month. When asked if she will continue with the Jedi Academy, she was less certain. “Before anything, I’m going to need a new name. I’m thinking Rey Solo, Rey Yoda, or Rey Potter.”
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