George Lucas Cuts All Threads with Disney Over Lesbian Space Witches in “The Acolyte”
In a shocking turn of events, legendary filmmaker George Lucas has decided to sever all ties with Disney over their latest Star Wars series, “The Acolyte.” The reason? Lesbian space witches. Yes, you read that correctly.
Lucas, the creator of the original Star Wars saga, has always been protective of his beloved universe. But when he caught wind of the show’s plotline involving a coven of Force-sensitive witches who happen to be lesbians, he reportedly exclaimed, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
The Acolyte, set a century before the prequels, introduces us to Mae and Osha, twin sisters created by Mother Aniseya, a powerful witch who can apparently whip up life like a cosmic soufflé. Forget midi-chlorians; these ladies have mastered the art of “The Thread,” which sounds like a knitting technique but is actually a mystical power that defies Jedi orthodoxy.
Lucas, who famously tinkered with the original trilogy more times than a droid with a loose wire, was apparently blindsided by the show’s audacity. “Where’s the Jar Jar Binks spin-off we’ve all been waiting for?” he reportedly grumbled. “And why aren’t these witches knitting lightsabers?”
Disney, for its part, defended the creative choices. “We’re committed to expanding the Star Wars universe,” said a spokesperson. “And what better way to do that than with lesbian space witches? It’s like ‘Charmed’ meets ‘The Mandalorian.'”
But Lucas wasn’t buying it. He allegedly stormed into the Disney boardroom, brandishing a toy lightsaber and demanding answers. “I didn’t spend decades crafting a galaxy far, far away just so we could have interstellar knitting circles!” he shouted.
Rumors suggest that Lucas even considered launching his own streaming service, “LucasFlicks,” which would exclusively feature content he approves of. Early titles include “Han Solo: The Early Years” (a gripping two-hour saga about Han’s time as a dishwasher on Corellia) and “Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Meditation Hour” (a soothing ASMR experience featuring Ewan McGregor whispering Jedi wisdom).
As news of the rift spread, fans took to social media. #LucasVsDisney trended worldwide, with memes showing Lucas battling Mickey Mouse in a lightsaber duel. Meanwhile, Mark Hamill tweeted, “I’ve seen stranger things in the galaxy. Like that time I kissed my sister.”
In a joint statement, Disney and Lucasfilm tried to downplay the feud. “We respect George’s vision,” they said. “But sometimes you’ve got to let the Force flow in new directions. And if that means lesbian space witches, so be it.”
As of now, Lucas remains holed up in Skywalker Ranch, surrounded by original concept art and a life-size Yoda statue. Rumor has it he’s working on a secret project: “Star Wars: The Knitting Chronicles.” No word yet on whether it features lesbian space witches, but insiders say it does involve a lot of yarn.
So there you have it. George Lucas has cut the threads, and Disney is left to weave its own intergalactic tapestry. As Yoda once said, “Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future.” And apparently, that future includes lesbian space witches. May the Thread be with you! 🌟🧙♀️🌈
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