Fan Vows To Write Mean Tweets If He Doesn’t Like Episode IX
HOLYSTALL, NY — Devout Star Wars fan and Disney-era hater Leo Walsman, B.A. has gone on record stating that he will send out a mean tweet every day for the rest of his life if he does not enjoy the upcoming Star Wars: Episode IX.
Walsman, who has yet to join social media, hates everything from the Disney-era of Star Wars. He cannot stand Rebels, the Chewbacca solo comic, Galaxy of Heroes — even EA’s Battlefront II. Walsman claims whomever is in charge of Lucasfilm now does not respect the fans of Star Wars prior to 2012 and is using it to spread lies that all men are dumb weaklings and need a girl to do everything for them.
“Yeah, I saw the Force Awakens, and Rogue One, and the Last Jedi, and Solo. And in every one of those films, the main male character was a chump next to the lead girl. They preach equality and diversity but it seems all boys are dumb and only white girls can do things right! Look at my boy Finn in the new trilogy. He’s a sissy cry baby who wants to run away! And when he tries to save the day, the dumb technician girl doesn’t let him make his sacrifice, and then plants a kiss on him! Where did that come from?! If the roles were reversed, Finn would be labeled a rapist.”
-Leo Walsman, B.A., while eating a ham on rye outside of a Panera Bread.
Walsman also abhors what they did to the original Star Wars trilogy characters and has his own ideas on how they could have been handled better, especially Luke.
“Look at Luke. He’s a whiny old man all alone on an island. You made a mistake, son! Own up to it and fix it! Don’t run and hide. Han was okay in the one movie before dumping him down a hole and the new kid in Solo wasn’t bad, but they made Lando a droid’s b…, pardon my French, in that movie! I hope Billy Dee is given some good material in Episode IX or y’all will hear all about it on my Tweeter when I build an account. I’ll have to ask my grandson how to do it on that Forth Night machine he has.”
-Leo Walsman, B.A., while drinking a banana smoothie outside of a Smoothie King.
Finally, Walsman took aim at the mishandling of the Star Wars license by video game developer EA.
“Those dogs at Electronic Arts are even making a mockery of Star Wars. They made their lead character in Battlefront Two a girl who quits her job to join the Rebels. Such a great character… who will turn against her country! They are telling people to turn from America! It’s unpatriotic.”
-Leo Walsman, B.A., while washing his hands in the bathroom of a Barnes & Noble book store.
Do you agree with Walsman? Should you take to social media and complain about a fictional multimedia franchise until the day you die? Some may agree, while others will just laugh at you.
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