Shareholders Confirm Episode IX Face Melting Ability
According to FSW sources, a rough cut of Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker was screened for Disney shareholders early this week, and the experience resulted in literal meltdowns, with faces completely liquefied off heads. Disney CEO Bob Iger, who safely watched the investors watching the film from behind a fire-retardant, one-way mirror, said he’s absolutely thrilled by what he saw.
Star Trek may have coined the “Vulcan mind meld” but Star Wars has just upped the ante with the first-ever “mind melt.”
“We’ve got a real game-changer on our hands here. The final shot in the Skywalker saga is going to make people an absolute mess, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. This is what George Lucas always wanted. To touch people on a deeper level and have them leave the theaters a completely different person than when they walked in.”
After the screening, each of the newly faceless investors gave Iger a thumb’s up before being rushed to the emergency room.
“This is how you make Star Wars the hottest property in the world again,” said Iger in between fits of maniacal laughter.
The confirmation of Episode IX’s ability to cause physical meltdowns marks the first time Star Wars hyperbole from writer-director Kevin Smith is proven factual.
At San Diego Comic-Con, the Jay and Silent Bob Reboot filmmaker claimed the final shot of The Rise Of Skywalker would “melt your mind.” Understatement of the year! And from Kevin Smith, no less! Will wonders ever cease?!
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