A Day in the Life of Kathleen Kennedy
What’s in a day? For Star Wars creators and personalities, the answer can be exciting, surreal, and literally out-of-this-world. So we’re excited to announce a new Faking Star Wars feature where we bring you closer to the most influential people behind the universe you love. Each of our “Day in the Life” exclusives will involve the staff shadowing a Star Wars personality for 24 hours in order to lift the veil and reveal what it’s really like to be in their shoes. Spoiler: it’s not all fun and games… but it is all very insightful and enlightening. And who better to kick things off with than the reigning Queen of all things Star Wars: Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy. Love her or hate her, we think you’ll find a day in her life unbelievably fascinating.
6:00am — Wake screaming due to recurring nightmare involving naked Bob Iger firing her
6:08am — 7-minute “Fuel Your Force” workout consisting of Get Woke yoga
6:15am — Shower in fresh fanboy tears
6:20am — Use Lord And Miller’s phone numbers to sign up for insurance quotes
6:30am — Check to see if Frank is alive
6:40am — FaceTime with Steven Spielberg, discuss screentests for female Indiana Jones
7am — Watch Star Wars YouTubers to learn what she did wrong yesterday
7:15am — Tweet as “fake” Kathleen Kennedy for her good friends at FakingStarWars (Follow @KathyLucasfilm)
7:30am — Select the perfect Star Wars t-shirt to wear under blazer for a true fan look
7:50am — Savor snickerdoodle soy smoothie
8am — Drop Rian Johnson off at the Adult Bouncy House Gymporium
8:30am — Arrive at the Lucasfilm offices, park diagonally across two handicap spots
8:35am — Fire male security guard for saying, “Good morning, Mrs. Kennedy,” while smiling
8:50am — Cut the words “Boss Bitch” onto her thigh
9am — Piss in Bob Iger’s latte before serving it to him with his favorite biscotti
9:15am — Join Elizabeth Warren’s Meme Dream Team
9:30am — Review manuscript of her memoir with all-male ghost writing team
10am — Kegels
10:30am — Discuss Mother Nature with Swedish environmentalist Greta Thunberg
11am — Pose for group photo wearing pink pussy hats for Lucasfilm holiday card
11:30am — Send George Lucas another horse head as friendly reminder about his non-disparagement clause
12pm — Diversity training/luncheon
1:30pm — More Kegels
2pm — Meet with Kevin Feige and Dave Filoni to accuse them of mansplaining Star Wars
2:30pm— Avocado toast and matcha!
2:45pm — Stare into magic mirror and ask who is fairest of all
3pm — Indulge in Sith vampire facial
3:30pm — Photo op with Girl Scouts of America to celebrate collaboration and unveil new badges, including Patriarchy Killer, The Mary Sue, and Nut Crusher
4pm — Hide
4:30pm — Meet with HR to discuss reducing paid paternity to negative 5 days
4:45pm — Check in on Lucasfilm Story Group in the rubber room, reassure them that exile is tough but better than termination; order them to tweet more hate bait aimed at her detractors
5pm — Exchange series of inappropriate Last Jedi memes with JJ
5:15pm — “Accidentally” text upskirt to Bob Iger, who avoids the trap and does not dignify with a reply
5:30pm — Pick up Rian at the Adult Bouncy House Gymporium
6pm — BDSM “mommy” roleplay session
6:30pm — Session ends when Rian uses designated safe word “Jar Jar”
6:45pm — Drop Rian off at the nearest shelter
7pm — Check to see if husband Frank is alive
7:15pm — Forgo Malibu Beach diet and dine on death sticks and Diet Coke
7:30pm — Light a candle and recite the 66 Laws of the Illuminati
8pm — Fill gloves with Night Sister rejuvenation cream
8:30pm — Extract dose of midi-chlorians from last surviving Youngling; apply liberally to elbows, knees, and toes
9pm — Force Frank to watch This is Us and The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
10:30pm — Check Star Wars Twitter for replies to hate bait
10:45pm — Sip warm fanboy tears before dozing off
Thank you, Kathleen Kennedy, for graciously inviting us to tag along for a day in your life.
If there’s a Star Wars personality you’d love for us to shadow for 24 hours, hit us up on Twitter to let us know. We promise to pull strings to make it happen.
As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the finest Star Wars comedy, parody, and satire in the galaxy. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and subscribe to our Newsletter and Podcasts for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away. Also, consider supporting us on Patreon… for as little as a buck a month, you can help us fake harder, better, faster, stronger.
— William “Willybobo” Bobo
