Disney Bans Sex At Star Wars Hotel
BAY LAKE, FLORIDA — When the doors to Star Wars Galactic Starcruiser finally open in the fall of 2020, guests will be transported to the “Halcyon,” where they can train in the ways of the Force, learn to pilot the cruiser — even play a role in a real-time space opera unfolding throughout the facility. One thing they won’t be able to do, however, is have sex.
FSW was shocked to learn that intercourse will be a bannable offense at the $3,300 per person luxury hotel. This marks the first time Disney enforces such a rule as consensual sex between adults is permitted on their other hotel properties and cruise lines. So what makes Star Wars Galactic Starcruiser any different? Why must it be a “sex-free zone”?
“It’s a living, breathing theater experience… so even when our guest-performers are in their private quarters, their behavior must be within keeping of Star Wars, which has always been PG-13.”
– Bob Chapek, Chairman of Walt Disney Parks and Resorts
Before you cancel reservations though, Chapek mentioned there would be some wiggle room for Newlyweds and other couples who simply can’t keep their hands off each other.
“First and second base are fair game, but second must be over clothing and not within 15 feet of any Younglings,” said the Chairman. To prevent things from escalating, every cabin – including the “Across the Stars” suite meant for couples, will forgo a Queen size bed in favor of two twin mattresses, complete with a Jedi partition.
Should temptation rear its head, the face of Ewan McGregor’s Obi-Wan Kenobi will stare down at our would-be lovers, shaming them for submitting to base desires. Despite finding great humor in the Kenobi partition, Chapek doesn’t believe it will be necessary.
“There’s so much to see and do on the Halcyon, why would anyone care about intercourse? You can do that on Earth… on your own time. Wouldn’t you rather go on a double date with Rey and Chewbacca to one of our five Starcruiser restaurants,” said the executive, who has been with Disney for well over 20 years.
Despite not being able to join the “Galaxy High Club,” FSW is looking forward to the next best thing: hand touching with our significant others within one the booths set up for couples to consummate their PG-13 love.
What do you think of Star Wars Galactic Starcruiser being a “no-sex hotel?” Is that a deal breaker for you? Tell us why or why not in the comments or on social media. I promise to personally send you a hand emoji if you reach out.
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