Age-Defying Baby Yoda Creams Flood Black Market
KOWLOON — Shark’s fin soup has finally met its match. As of this morning, the most in-demand item throughout the underground markets of northern Hong Kong and Mos Eisley is a dubious green concoction said to contain powerful age-defying qualities. Dubbed “Baby Yoda Cream” or “Jedi Green Glow,” the home-made solution promises to turn the clock back on 50-year-old skin, restoring its glow and vitality to “baby soft” levels.
According to the vendor we spoke to, his and only his version of the viscous solution is made of genuine Minch or Gelfling (depending on region) — the rumored name of the species Yoda belongs to. Other vendors disagreed, claiming their cream was more genuine, presenting FaceApp-doctored images on their phones as proof of their particular strain’s effectiveness
The latest craze for a Star Wars-inspired cure-all can be traced back to last week’s episode of The Mandalorian. During “Chapter Two: The Child,” a Yoda-like creature is revealed to be 50 years old despite having the appearance of a baby. The overly cute alien took the world by storm, inspiring memes and proclamations that “Star Wars is saved” throughout social media.
Lost amid the outpouring of love for baby Yoda was Lucasfilm’s announcement that “different species age differently” to explain why the 50-year-old creature looked like a 10-month-old baby. Of course, snake oil vendors throughout the world jumped at the opportunity to turn the craze into a product that promised a similar youthful glow for middle-aged humanoids.
“Baby Yoda Cream” joins the likes of other dubious black market products inspired by Star Wars over the years, including Krayt dragon scale stew, rancor boba tea, and Gungan tongue pie. But did any of them deliver on promises to grow hair, or make your first son a masculine son, or increase virility? Not at all. And “Baby Yoda Cream” is no different.
We had FSW interns who passed high school chemistry with B-‘s, they test 5 different versions of the ointments, rubs, and creams. None of them contained age-defying properties.
“We found Mogwai droppings, food coloring, both Nickelodeon Gak and Slime, and finally Grinch piss in most of the creams… but none of it will make you look younger. It might make your skin look green for a day or two, but that’s about it.”
–Gary Gay, head FSW toxicologist
So, unless you think green 50-year-old skin makes you look younger, please avoid any and all “Baby Yoda Cream,” “Jedi Green Glow” or its many variations.
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