J.J. Abrams: “Lens Flare Can Kill The Coronavirus”
Director J.J. Abrams believes he has discovered the a way to destroy the devastating coronavirus. According to the creator of Lost, a concentrated lens flare aimed directly on exposed surfaces can disrupt the COVID-19 virus, essentially rendering it harmless.
“The ultraviolet beam of light can decontaminate surfaces. It sounds crazy but the best ideas usually are. You take a swig of bottled up lens flare, print out a photo of one — whatever the case may be — and I believe 99% of germs will die if they come within six feet of you.”
The breakthrough came to Abrams one night in early April when he realized no one had ever fallen ill on the set of any production where he used lens flares abundantly.
Immediately, Abrams checked his filmography on IMDB and had son Henry cross-reference medical records of everyone involved in Abrams’ lens flare-heavy projects, including two Star Trek films, Super 8, Mission: Impossible III, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and most recently, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker.
After a week of research, Henry Abrams confirmed what his father had suspected: everyone exposed to lens flare was not only still living and working, they had never suffered a serious illness since.
Fortunately, J.J. Abrams has been stockpiling lens flares since the early 90s and retains the formula to create the potentially life-saving beams of light within his high-end computer.
“I believe lens flare can effectively cure anyone suffering from COVID-19. Exposure will essentially reboot the immune system, fortifying it against new strains of coronavirus.”
Abrams and his son have run successful lab trials using video clips of lens flares as well as high-quality color printouts of the effect. In 99% of their living room trials, patients experienced a glowing sensation followed by feelings of heavy nostalgia, which made them smile. Minor side effects have included winking to acclimate to the flares.
Despite Abrams’ certainty, his potential treatment is currently trapped in government red tape. It’s been nearly a week since the director submitted his findings to the MPAA and the WHO via film reel, but he has yet to receive a response.
“There’s a global race to find a vaccine… and everyone from the President to Big Pharma and China are competing to be first. Do you really think they want a Hollywood director beating them to it? I’m no conspiracy hound, but it definitely makes me go hmm.”
Abrams is still hopeful that he’ll gain FDA approval sooner or later. Son Henry has already begun designing new self-care products based on the lens flare technology — from tanning beds to gamer glasses and more.
“Remember that thing everyone made fun of my dad for? Well, it’s going to help save the world from COVID-19. How do you like them apples?”
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P.S. If you’re made it this far, you should now be immune to the coronavirus after viewing multiple lens flares, according to Abrams.
