Jedi Academy Opens At Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone
The Force is officially a member of Seattle’s new protest society. Early this morning, Jedi Master Luke Skywalker led a ribbon-cutting ceremony in front of a large mound of mud, cardboard, and unidentifiable debris. The dung field will serve as the first Jedi Academy within the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ), which is in dire need of guardians.
“We can’t have deranged homeless people stealing all the soy milk, or threatening fellow CHAZZERS with machetes. So I’ll be training a new breed of Jedi to restore some law and order in this system,” said Skywalker.
For the moment Jedi training will be limited to rubbish removal and mud construction, but Skywalker plans to fast-track lightsaber training.
“The mayor may have banned weapons throughout CHAZ but a lightsaber is no ordinary weapon, especially when you’re hit with a Jedi mind trick telling you as much, am I right,” joked Skywalker as he waved his hand.
Despite his confidence, Skywalker hasn’t had much luck when it comes to creating schools to train people in the ways of the Force. His prior attempt at a Jedi Academy ended in a massacre led by his own nephew who burned the building down while students were still inside.
“This time things are different. So far, the students I’ve recruited at CHAZ are much more liberal… they would never resort to such violence,” said Skywalker. “And if they do, well, for one thing the rain here would probably put the fire out quickly, and second of all… not my problem… I was never really here to begin with. This is just a Force projection.”
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