A Faker’s Experience With NFTs and Crypto Porgs
Floating around in space, from time to time, I like to pass the days playing stupid games on my commlink, and I got this message from Falcon Tuxedo telling me all about Crypto Porgs. It’s a holonet site where you can buy and breed porglings which create more porgs that can then double your investment! Just what the galaxy needs, more porgs, am I right? Still, I secretly kind of love these things, and you can create mutant porgs through selective breeding, so naturally I needed to find out more. What happened next is a tale of woe and despair that rivals even the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Not-So-Wise. More after the jump.
I signed up for an account and started shopping around for my first porglings. There were cute ones, ugly ones, ugly-cute ones, cute-ugly ones, mean ones, dumb ones, colorful ones, ones with wings, and even some with horns and the occasional accessory… like a flame-thrower.
The prime porglings were Generation 0, and they only bred about 10,000 of them; think of them like millennial porglings, annoying but necessary to move the economy. They cost so much Woopie Oopie I decided to aim my blaster a bit lower, or higher generationally speaking. I looked into getting a Gen 14 for a start which go for about 15 credits. I was excited to get these little critters busy getting busy making more porgs. But, not so fast, you can’t just use regular credits to buy these suckers. No, you need to buy them with crypto credits, this ain’t no Calamari Flan.
Crypto credits is basically currency that is so secret that the only way to access it is to have a face, similar to the Imperial Security kiosks of Mandalorian infamy. I have a face, a rather handsome one at that, and an ID and I really, really want to make a porg, so I scanned my face and created a digital wallet. Great, now I was ready to buy a Crypto Porg. Uh, no, not yet.
First you have to buy some currency, and the space nerds validate the purchase through their network of Geonosian miners. For giant space cicadas, they must be making bank! To get ten credits worth of $DJJ (Jar Jar Token) I had to pay 25 credits total. If you stink at math, that means I paid 15 credits more than the $DJJ itself. All to cover the cost of the Geonosian miners labor costs. Holy-freakin’-Skywalkers!!!
Anyway, now it was a vendetta, and I had to have one of these wonderful little porglings. So, I splurged and got the $DJJ. Well, not so fast, first I had to wait for the bugs to confirm I got the crypto credits in my account. Surely, now I was ready to buy a porgling! I was wrong again.
Turns out the digital wallet wasn’t where that money went, it was for something called Creditbase, and I had to pay more “miner fees” to transfer the crypts to my actual digital wallet. So, I did, and paid more, but this time I spent more and got more.
Now, I was armed with a 50 credits in my wallet and started my search for the perfect porgling; as if such a thing even exists. But then I found him, Snixer Bobadrop. He was cute, but dumb, confident but shy, and his bio mentioned stuff about spying on his neighbors and exploring spaceports. He would have to be mine! At just 12 credits, I knew I had plenty of $DJJ to make the purchase. Confident, I hit the “Buy Porg” button. But alas, I was unable to make the purchase, because Crypto Porg was unable to determine the miner fee associated with the purchase. So what does that mean? Are these batty bugs on strike? Can’t they at least have the courtesy of doing their job and letting us know the cost of their labor?
So, I tried again later, as the site suggested. And later, and then later, and even later. I ended up being able to finish reading all the High Republic novels, twice, then tried again. Of course, I got the same result, “Unable to determine the miner fee”. I was about to give up, when the fee finally appeared late at night. Wait for it, folks. To buy a 12 credits porgling, my miner fee was… over 200 credits. Needless to say, it eventually dawned on me this whole thing was an elaborate revenge scheme cooked up by Tux for exposing the truth about Shmi Skywalker.
So, my advice is to just play the free Star Wars game Galaxy of Heroes, it’s available in the app store on commlinks and smart phones, but don’t be a sucker and purchase in game items. If I end up trying to go through with this process again, follow me on Twitter for updates if that’s something you fancy, @TeebRontr.
UPDATE: After time of publishing I was eventually able to get my grubby little hands on a crypto porg but I set the gas price so low that the nerds who run the thing cancelled my transaction. A very great experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
As always, stay tuned to FakingStarWars.net for all the finest Star Wars comedy, parody, and satire in the galaxy. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and subscribe to our Newsletter and Podcasts for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away. Also, consider supporting us on Patreon… for as little as a buck a month, you can help us fake harder, better, faster, stronger.
