Taylor Swift To Equip Private Jet with Hyperdrive For Maximum Pollution
*Los Angeles, CA* — In a shocking turn of events, pop superstar Taylor Swift has announced her latest endeavor: retrofitting her private jet with a hyperdrive system for maximum pollution. The move comes as a surprise to fans who have long admired Swift’s environmental activism and commitment to saving the planet.
The hyperdrive, which was reportedly sourced from a galaxy far, far away, will allow Swift’s jet to travel at speeds previously thought impossible. However, environmentalists are up in arms, claiming that the increased emissions will contribute to the destruction of Earth’s delicate ecosystem.
“I just don’t understand,” said Greta Thunberg, the teenage climate activist. “Taylor has always been a champion for the environment. Why would she do this?”
Swift’s publicist released a statement defending the decision: “Taylor believes that if you’re going to pollute, you might as well do it in style. Plus, she’s tired of waiting in airport security lines.”
The hyperdrive installation is expected to be completed by the end of the month, just in time for Swift’s world tour. Fans can look forward to seeing her perform hits like “Shake It Off” and “Bad Blood” while leaving a trail of carbon emissions in her wake.
Environmentalists are planning protests outside Swift’s concerts, urging her to reconsider. Meanwhile, Darth Teeth, the notorious Sith Lord, has reportedly offered to give Swift a crash course in dark side energy conservation.
As for the rest of us, we can only hope that Taylor Swift’s hyperdrive doesn’t accidentally send her jet hurtling into a black hole. After all, even the most fashionable pollution is still pollution.
In related news, Grand Admiral Thrawn has been spotted shopping for a new yacht with a built-in Death Star laser. Presumably, to send off Blue Boy Summer in style… and the utter destruction of pesky rebels.
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