It appears “let the Wookiee win” doesn’t quite translate in Ukraine as a furious Chewbacca was arrested for illegally campaigning Sunday. And wait until you see who he was supporting! Things get way hairy after the jump-ski.
This just in from one of our international sources! While on hiatus from his reality show that’s all the rage on his native Kashyyk, Chewbacca has been seduced by the Dark Side of The Internet Party of Ukraine. In fact, he’s literally become Darth Vader’s right-hand wookiee in his bid to become Mayor.
Details are sketchy but it seems Chewbacca was piloting Vader’s flagship vehicle Sunday afternoon on their way to a polling site when the new Dark Side duo was stopped by Odessa police. The authorities had spotted Darth Vader using a microphone to blast messages from the loud speaker attached to the roof of his vessel.
To make matters worse, Odessa police also recorded Chewbacca using a special paste made of Wookiee fur and bantha poodoo to affix wild postings on the side of buildings. Both activities are highly illegal as Ukraine law forbids candidates from campaigning the day of voting.
Four officers spent 30 minutes wrestling with the Wookiee in an attempt to handcuff him. While the authorities tussled with Chewie, Lord Vader attempted several force choke maneuvers from the safety of his vessel. Despite the Dark Lord’s attempt to psychically intervene, the officers bested Chewie’s might and stuffed him into their patrol car.
Chewbacca is facing a series of charges and fines stemming from the incident, including resisting arrest, failure to carry proper ID, and campaigning on a voting day. After being held for a few hours, Lord Vader managed to bail out his number 2 who claimed to be short on cash as his money is held in an intergalactic bank that does not have any branches outside of Kashyyk.
The irony of this incident: Lord Vader finally arrived at the polling station to learn he was not listed on the voter registry, despite being a Ukrainian citizen.
Darth Vader started the Dark Lord’s Internet Party in 2007 in a bid to bring free Internet to the people of Ukraine. Vader is specifically aiming to give Ukrainians and Dark Side adepts alike free access to “the Dark Web.” According to insiders, the legendary Sith seeks detailed plans of lightsaber construction only found on the “Silk Road.” He aims to use these plans to arm his supporters with a more elegant weapon to replace sharpened sticks and stones.
This latest incident tarnishes an otherwise successful week for Lord Vader. Just last Friday, a statue of the Dark Lord was erected in Odessa. The structure was approved by local authorities in an attempt to rid the area of communist symbols in Ukraine. Impressive, but still “Most Impressive” is the fact that the iconic statue also serves as an internet Wi-Fi hot spot.
FSW can only speculate as to why a former hero of the Republic would suddenly switch sides. Perhaps the shiny new gold medal around Chewbacca’s neck has something to do with it. We’ve reached out to Han Solo for a comment but have yet to get a response.
