New Star Wars Toys Will Truly Shock You!

August 24, 2015 Storm Duper

Fans have gone absolutely nuts for the new Star Wars figures that have recently seen the light of day. Photos of these new promotional figurines hit the internet last week to great fanfare. Each figure is equipped with a component that can be matched with other figures to create a “mega toy”. Until now though, the completed toy has been shrouded in mystery, but newly uncovered details paint an incredible picture. See what it is after the jump!

Goldner showing off the lightsaber he thought Kylo Ren should have gotten.

Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner explained, “What we’ve created is a truly unimaginable toy. The pieces from several action figures come together to create a new play weapon that, with a couple screws included in the set, affixes securely and bloodlessly into the forehead of your child. Neural coupling probes connect into the frontal cortex on either side of the temple. A safe, non-toxic, ABS plastic button sits comfortably on the child’s forehead. Then, at the push of a button on the device, the child user receives a “Jedi spark” that will travel down their spine and render them into a euphoric force coma. It’s truly spectacular.”

The new toy has many applications, says the company. Firstly, new rules for competitive force games are included in some bonus packs, which outline a fun version of Force Football. Tackling is safely and electrically accomplished by pushing the opponents’ force buttons.

Oh I thought it said “Air Force” Football.

Additional disciplinary uses are also foreseeable, said Goldner. “Now, when parents shell out big bucks for Star Wars toys, they are also investing in their child’s future. We know that lessons about right or wrong are learned at an early age. Now, whenever your child does something wrong, there’s no need to stop your searching on the Internet for the latest Star Wars rumors and gossip. Just give the button a few taps and your child will learn quickly not to bother you while you are trying to find out what Maz Kanata’s socks look like in the new movie.”

Some have criticized the new toy as being tantamount to “child shock therapy”. Eliot Kayne, an administrator for the Consumer Product Safety Commision, allayed these fears. He had quick words with Faking Star Wars regarding the developments on his way to the airport recently. “Hey, we are an upstanding commision. We would never approve any toy that put children’s lives in danger. In this case, I can even testify that my own children have found the Jedi Forehead Spark Button to be a fantastically fun and amusing game to play in the car, at bathtime, or even as a sleep aid.”

Kayne’s “C-3PO” themed Ferrari 458.

When asked about how he could afford the new Ferrari 458 he showed up in at the airport, Kayne responded “Look, I don’t have time for this line of questioning. I have a private chartered plane to catch and free passes to Disney world to use folks”.

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