Ask Sheev Strikes Back!

July 23, 2015 "Faking" Jacen Solo

This week Palps tackles questions dealing with VMA drama, terrestrial politics, and the box office. Read on for advice that rules.

Dear Sheev,

I’m running for president of the United States, and I’m really struggling to connect with the young people out there. Recently, I even snapbooked a GIFT file of myself “Chillzin” and it seems to have backfired. (https://vine.co/v/erQH0K9JthD) According to the most recent polls, young people hate me
even more now. Can you provide any advice on how I can better appeal to the millennials and centennials without alienating the influential octogenarian crowd? Admirably Yours,
Chillary Clinton

Dear Charizard,

I have found that what works best to seduce Younglings is to branch out into acting. Personally, I have created over 600 different altar egos for the stage and screen, some of which are HUGE in Japan. The point is, you’re on the right track… Didn’t I just read that you were cast in Paul Feig’s Ghostbusters film alongside Kristin Wiig? That should certainly boost your appeal among snot-nosed brats. Whatever you do, step away from the computer and your mobile device. DO NOT periscope anything, no matter what your Youngling Social Media Lackee may recommend.

Dear Sheev,

Not sure if you’re aware, but Jurassic World recently became the 3^rd most profitable film of all time. This has me concerned, as that film was not very good. Do you think the upcoming Star Wars will trump the dinosaur film? And does it pose a threat to toppling the records held by Titanic and Avatar? I’d really love your take on this.

Thanks. – J. Cameron

Dear Lord Cameroon,

I have forgotten whether I am in this new Star Wars film or not, but if I am, rest assured construction of the third Death Star will proceed as planned. Once operational, no putrid lizards, silly boats or blue tiger people stand a chance. We will destroy all records of their existence in one fell swoop. If I’m not in the new Star Wars film, however, I don’t see it earning more than the new Minions film. Gosh, I really love that one. Banana! FART!

Dear Sheev,

So, like, this friend of mine, who I totally love – She’s friggin adorbs! – suddenly threw shade at me on Twitter. She thinks my music video is nominated for an MTV award just because I featured my other BFFs in it, who all happen to be supermodels and superhot actresses – sh’yeah I know AWESOME, right?! She’s all butthurt that her video wasn’t nominated and is making it into So. Much. Drama. So, like, Sheevy, what do you think I should do?

Regina Georgingly Yours,
Taytay

Dear Tata,

Most people assume I’m this dark force nutjob hellbent on war. That’s totes not true. Only half of that’s true, girlfriend. I’m not always hellbent on war. In fact, in this particular situation, I advise you to make love, not war, with your girlfriend… preferably to a soundtrack of her choosing. Then record it. DO IT! That way your friend gets a new music video, which will surely be nominated by MTV or AVN, and you come out on top because it was 100% your idea. XOXO

Liked it? Take a second to support Faking Star Wars on Patreon!