Exclusive! Star Wars Episode 7 Hits Massive Production Delay!
Due to the plethora of leaks surrounding Star Wars: The Force Awakens, which have even included video taken from drones, director JJ Abrams has decided to take drastic measures. Effective immediately, Abrams is halting production, and starting from scratch. This week FSW has received incredibly sensitive audio recordings of JJ Abrams in meetings with the upper echelon at Disney. A furious Abrams can be heard screaming, “Screw it! All the leaks are right! There are no surprises! I’m starting over.” After the jump, we shed light on Abrams’ all-new vision for the highly anticipated film.
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| I’m starting over! No more leaks! |
The news of an entirely new production jettisons any hope of certainty regarding the release schedule for the new franchise. To that end, Abrams himself has tweeted a video of himself in the style of the “ALS ice bucket challenge”, but instead of dumping an ice bucket on himself he opens up his notorious “Mystery Box”, only to reveal a colorful sign shimmering with lens flare that reads,”Bite me for spoiling my movie!” JJ goes on to nominate the infamously antagonistic David Prowse for the next “Mystery Box” challenge.
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| “Haha! Take that, Lucasfilm!” says the cantankerous Prowse, forever bitter about his voice being redubbed in the OT. |
JJ finished his video with a message to fans everywhere. “Look. I’m pissed. It’s back to the drawing board. If these internet fan-boys aren’t going to be surprised, then what’s the point anyway?”
FakingStarWars.net was able to reach Disney CEO Bob Iger for comment regarding these dramatic developments. Iger stated, “This is not a setback. The Disney company believes in its investments. Production on Episode VIII will continue and be released on schedule in May 2017, shortly to be followed in December by Episode VII – newly retitled The Force Awakens after Hitting the Snooze Bar a Few Too Many Times. Iger went on to explain, “This will remain in keeping with the rich tradition of releasing Star Wars episodes out of order.”
| New alarm clock prototypes to tie-in for the film – “Look Kids! You can snooze just like The Force Awakens!” |
This production readjustment has put the onus on Rian Johnson to make sure the character arcs and plot lines of Episode VIII line up with what will have happened in Episode VII. Johnson has responded to this new “production wrinkle” by saying “Well, to be honest JJ hasn’t told me jack anyway, so I’m just gonna put a bunch of time travel in it with Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing all the parts.”
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| “Rian says I’m playing my own father, and I go back in time to kill myself to prevent the Falcon ever being built or something” – Gordon-Levitt |
Disney attractions, promotions, and toy-tie ins have quickly adapted to the new release schedule with a new tag line: “Star Wars VII: So good we made it twice”. Abrams reported to FSW yesterday via our Twitter feed, “This time, I’m not screwing around. If people leak this new stuff, I don’t care how good it is. I’m changing it again. You will be surprised or you won’t get to see it.”
