Dark Side Force Orientation to be “Affirmed as Equally Valid” in New Star Wars Films
In a striking move this week, Disney made a major announcement regarding the socio-cultural and political climate they will be creating in the new Star Wars movies. After the jump, find out what’s up with the Force!
“We felt that the environment of the old trilogy, riddled with offensive prejudice and patriarchal hegemony needed to go. We’ve modeled this new galaxy far, far away after a Disney theme park, so everyone is equally valued and affirmed,” said CEO Bob Iger.
With that in mind, all Force users of any kind will be appreciated in the new series.
“Regardless of one’s force-orientation, there is a place for you in the Star Wars universe.” Iger continued, “We’ve seen the disastrous affects of conversion therapy in our own society for various kinds of orientations that some in society don’t esteem. We don’t want to make the same mistake in this billion dollar cash cow we are sitting on.”
Therefore, no longer will “light-side oriented” Force users try to convert characters with dark-side orientation or vice-versa. In fact, Disney is now in talks to redo the dialogue in such cathartic scenes as the Bespin saber battle in The Empire Strikes Back.
Also, instead of Vader saying to Luke, “give yourself to the dark side” in their epic battle scene at the end of Return of the Jedi, Darth will say, “Luke, I affirm your Force orientation, just like you respect mine.”
In fact, the entire scene on Endor with Luke talking to Vader about returning to the light side has been replaced with the two of them playing “paddy cake paddy cake, baker’s man.” At the end, they smile and hug. The new scene ends with Vader saying to Luke, “it’s so great that we can co-exist in our different orientations and still love each other.”
A digitally-generated version of Barney the big purple dinosaur then comes on screen and leads everyone in singing “I love you, you love me, we’re a Happy Force Family.”
Fans can expect similar scenes of “Force-orientation affirmation” in all future installments of the Star Wars franchise. From all of us here at FakingStarWars, May the Force be with You, whether you like the Jedi or the Sith, or maybe even a little bit of both.
