Top 10 Reasons Episode VIII was Delayed
Yesterday Star Wars nerds everywhere complained on message boards, Twitter, and Facebook, after hearing the news that the highly anticipated sequel to The Force Awakens, Star Wars: Episode VIII, was pushed back from May 2017 to December of the same year. Many have speculated the reason and now we will bring you the top ten reasons this has taken place after the jump.
10. Jedi Master Luke Skywalker is still locked in an epic staredown with Rey. Birds have nested on their shoulders and since flown south for the winter yet neither force sensitive has batted a lash. Icicles have formed on both Luke and Rey’s beards to no effect. The ghost of Han Solo even crept up on them one night and screamed “Boo!” in hopes of startling them, but neither flinched.
09. Disney backed out of a summer box office battle with Central Intelligence starring Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson. The new film by Dodgeball director Rawson Marshall Thurber is said to be testing through the roof with advance screening audiences.
08. Kathleen Kennedy cannot find anyone to play a practical version of Lord Snoke after rumors that the Supreme Leader had cursed the roll hit the trades.
07. The Asian actress they cast in a new lead role is having problems with her English. They’ve tried dubbing her lines, and having Finn kiss her whenever she speaks, but it’s still looks like a bad kung fu movie.
06. After his breakout comedic performance on Saturday Night Live, Adam Driver was offered the role of Caesar Dynamite, Napoleon’s long-lost evil brother, in the Jared Hess sequel to Napoleon Dynamite. Scheduling conflicts forced Driver to choose between the two roles, and the Undercover Ren star decided his heart was more in comedy. As a result, Kylo Ren will be played by a man in a suit with a face made up of CG enhancements and cyborg bits. We’ll miss you Adam.
05. In attempts to appease China and have less than zero black men in Star Wars, Disney has taken drastic measures. Unfortunately John Boyega’s skin lightening and hair relaxation procedures have left him scarred and bald… sorta like a black Snoke just a bit younger. ILM is working furiously to give Finn a more healthy non-black human look but beauty takes time.
04. During the filming of a Han Solo and young Ben Solo “forceback” sequence, Harrison Ford (wearing a mullet wig and his clothes from A New Hope) was once again hit with a falling door, breaking his leg in two places. Ironically, the flashback caused a flashback. Gotta love the Force!
03. Benicio del Toro is unhappy with his Sith cape design. The actor claims none of the 386 designs shown to him capture his character’s soul. Del Toro has personally reached out to Zorro himself — Antonio Banderas who is finishing a degree in fashion school, majoring in cape design — to handcraft a cape fit for “el mas chingon hijo de puta” in the galaxy.
02. After enabling the production to get a massive headstart in just a few seconds, Rian Johnson’s Looper technology failed. The cast and crew will now have to do things the old fashioned way, one day at a time.
01. Daisy Ridley’s secret pregnancy could not be hidden anymore. The young actress’ baby bump has been discovered, and Rey will now be played by Daisy’s older sister, Kika. While the siblings are near identical, some slight CG will be needed to make it a perfect match. As for who the father of Daisy’s baby is… no one knows. She refuses to get blood work done, but those in the know claim it’s a three horse race between John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, or Adam Driver. You go, Daisy!
