Last Jedi Sizzle Reel Causes Massive Burn-in at CinemaCon
LAS VEGAS — A massive one-of-a-kind IMAX theater proved no match against Star Wars: The Last Jedi. After screening the world premiere of a sizzle reel for the upcoming Disney film, the 120 ft x 100 ft mega-screen suffered severe burn-in, much to the disappointment of the movie theater owners and film insiders in attendance.
“That’s what happens when you play the same two clips over and over again for 45 minutes. No screen can withstand that kind of sizzle. Disney should really know better,” said an anonymous film distributor.
According to our sources, The Last Jedi sizzle reel consisted of two 5-second clips of Rey, the heroine of the Star Wars sequel trilogy. The jedi-in-training is seen swinging her blue lightsaber, then using her newfound force powers to levitate several small stones.
Upon the reel’s first playthrough, the footage was met with thunderous applause. But over the course of the next 300 loops, cheers gave way to concern as the burn-in on the screen became more and more noticeable. Eyewitnesses describe what amounts to a Shroud of Turin-style face right in the middle of the screen. FSW is of the mind this may be a particularly ingenious way to create hype for the long-awaited return of speaking Luke Skywalker, while simultaneously seeding the overdue Obi-Wan Kenobi spinoff film.
Unfortunately, the burn-in from the sizzle grew so intense, local firefighters were called in to assess the situation.
“There were too many people in the room, that’s for damn sure. But the sizzle didn’t pose much harm to anyone. It was just a lot of smoke and mirrors,” said Las Vegas Fire Chief Jim Bulloch.
In the aftermath of what is already being referred to as Sizzlegate, Disney was forced to pay a nominal fine for overcrowding as well as cover the costs to repair the massive screen. Die-hard Star Wars fans have already begun bidding on the collector’s item, petitioning to let the burn-in remain on the screen.
“It’s a sign. I’m not a religious man, sort of a lapsed Jedi myself, but even I am filled with Oneness when I look at that burned-in face. I think it may very well be the Force revealing itself at last,” said Barry Jenkins, president and lone member of The Rebel Forced Rebellion Webring.
The Last Jedi sizzle reel in question is making the rounds in potato cam format, but FSW refuses to promote piracy, especially at such crap resolution.
For the latest on this and all other Star Wars news worth faking, bookmark FakingStarWars.net and follow us on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest. Subscribe to our YouTube channel too, while it’s still free!
-William “Willybobo” Bobo
