How to Not Get Fired by Kathleen Kennedy
As head of Lucasfilm, Kathleen Kennedy is under enormous pressure to create profitable new Star Wars films to recoup Disney’s $4 billion purchase of the company. So it goes without saying the mega producer runs a very tight ship. Just ask former Han Solo directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller, who were unceremoniously fired by Kennedy while still in production of their film! Obviously Lucasfilm would like to avoid such negative publicity in the future. Similarly, young filmmakers would like some reassurance that Kennedy isn’t going to 86 them for doing what they were hired to do in the first place.
To that end, a former Lucasfilm employee and current FSW spy has put together a helpful guide on how to avoid getting sith-canned by Kathleen Kennedy. Without further ado, here are some insider tips to ensure you aren’t prematurely pink slipped.
Do not ever confuse her for Caitlyn Jenner. While Kennedy is trans friendly, she draws the line at being compared to the physical likeness of the Olympian Formerly Known as Bruce.
Do not refer to her as “KK” “Kat” “Katy” “Kath” or “Mrs. Frank Marshall.” She prefers Kathleen Kennedy. And you should, too, unless you’d prefer working on a Stargate animated spinoff.
Do not wear a Star Wars t-shirt on the days Kennedy dons one under her blazer. She wants to project the aura of being a genuine superfan, and having everyone in the offices or on set in similar t-shirts diminishes her credibility.
Do not mention Josh Trank, Gareth Edwards, Phil Lord or Chris Miller unless you want to join their ranks. Once Kennedy fires you, she insists that all Lucasfilm employees disassociate themselves from you, going so far as making sure your name is never uttered again.
Don’t ever put on Kathleen’s ruby red slide heels and click them together three times. The last practical joker that was caught doing that is writing a Legends comic book about Yaddle and Luuke now.
Never, ever point out that Star Wars creator George Lucas actually created his space opera films for 12-year old boys, not 12-year old boys and girls. In fact, Lucas has gone on record saying Strange Magic, his animated musical romp, was created to give 12-year old girls a Star Wars equivalent. Our spy recalls one wiseacre presenting Kennedy with a shirt that read “Strange Magic is Female.” Needless to say, that executive was never heard from again.
Do not wear quirky socks to show your creative side. Kennedy is not a fan of wacky sockwear. Rumor has it she took great offense with Phil Lord and Chris Miller’s method of triple folding over the tops of their tube socks.
Do not ever question the role of the Lucasfilm Story Group, Kennedy’s entourage of strong female creative executives led by Pablo Hidalgo and Kiri Hart. Put in place to ensure continuity among new Star Wars efforts, the group reportedly does little more than go shopping with Kennedy for matching black blazers and pantsuits.
Do not ever ask how much of Kathleen is practical versus CG visual effects. This one is self explanatory.
Never, ever mention the Star Wars prequels or anything associated with Episodes I, II or III. This will result in instant termination along with potential jail time and a fine of up to $25,000 for defamation of character, misogyny, mansplaining, and verbal assault with a midi-chlorian weapon.
Whew — working for Kennedy sure is a challenge! But at least now you know what never, ever to do in her presence. Please adhere to the guidelines if you ever pursue an opportunity at Lucasfilm. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, Ron Howard!
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-William “Willybobo” Bobo
