Kathleen Kennedy Vows to Destroy Wonder Woman Sequel
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – “Them’s fighting words,” said Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy upon hearing of Warner Bros. plan to release a Wonder Woman 2 on December 18, 2019 — the exact same day Star Wars: Episode IX is targeting.
The “most powerful woman in Hollywood” is not taking the news lightly. Kennedy Skyped with us between power lifting sets and mixed-martial arts training from her home in the Hollywood Hills.
“There’s only room for one strong female-led tentpole film in December, and it ain’t Diana Prince, that’s for damn sure,” said Kennedy during Krav Maga training.
“Need I remind you the force is female, and no Amazonian will stand in our way. Have you even seen Gal Gadot? The poor thing is 60 pounds soaking wet! And I don’t take lightly to Patty picking a fight with Colin Trevorrow. Pick on someone your own size!”
Adding insult to injury, for months Kennedy had been trying to secure Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins to helm a Star Wars solo film starring fan favorite Ahsoka Tano. Upon the DC film’s surprising success, however, Jenkins’ services were immediately secured by Warner Bros. in a multi-film deal. Essentially the celebrated Monster filmmaker chose Wonder Woman sequels over the prospect of becoming the first female director of a Star Wars film.
After a heated session of gun-fu training, Kennedy also said, “Patty and I could have ruled the galaxy together, but now she will learn the true meaning of unlimited female power! If you’re reading this Patty, I’m throwing down the gauntlet. Tag-team wrestling. You and Gal Gadot versus me and Daisy Ridley. No holds barred, cage match. Winner takes December. Loser gets their film dumped in late February. Let’s do this, you sorry excuses for strong female role models!”
Kennedy ended her rant by ripping out of her spandex Star Wars tee Hulkamania-style only to reveal another Star Wars athleisure top underneath.
It remains to be seen whether Jenkins and her leading lady accept the challenge and face off against Kennedy and Ridley in strong-woman-to-strong-woman-to-strong-woman-to-strong-woman combat. Im the meantime, every other major studio is avoiding December 2019 altogether.
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-William “Willybobo” Bobo
