Snoke Signs Exclusive Deal with Big Baller Brand
CHINO HILLS, CA — The first family of basketball just scored another first – an exclusive contract with the leader of the First Order! FakingStarWars has learned that Big Baller Brand has inked a multi-year deal with Supreme Leader Snoke. The endorsement will see the 8-foot tall leader’s name and likeness on Baller basketball shoes and gear along with intergalactic athleisure fashions, including his signature gold robes. While our source isn’t privy to the exact value of the contract, we’re told it’s astronomical, easily smashing the previous record held by alien ballers, The Monstars, whose contract with Mr. Swackhammer was worth upwards of $6 billion credits.
“Listen. Just like I could beat Jordan 1-on-1… Snoke could beat Darth Plagueis, Darth Sidious, any Darth on the court. With one hand. Blindfolded. He that big. He that baller. Worth every penny. We’re gonna make Baller huge from LA to the Outer Rim. There’s no stopping us!”
In addition to being a dark side villain, master manipulator, and collector of Jedi relics, Snoke also has serious game. The alien mastermind has led the Sith Summer League in scoring for the last 800 years. His radical play style bucks the rule of two in favor of expertly using all four of his teammates. That may help explain why Snoke has more championship kyber rings than any alien or humanoid in history.
“He family now. Lonzo, LiAngelo, LaMelo, and LeSnoke. It doesn’t get any bigger, badder, or baller.”
According to our tipster, Snoke’s first Big Baller Brand product will be a limited-edition variant of his Hasbro figure. The toy will feature a golden headband and of course, signature Big Baller Brand kicks. The actual sneakers won’t be available until December with their release timed to coincide with The Last Jedi’s debut in theaters.
We’re told the shoes, dubbed Mega Destroyer Ones, are made using real 24K gold and powered by black kyber crystals, which emit dark sabers from the heels when activated. As for price, given Lonzo’s ZO2 sneakers retail for $495, Snoke’s signature kicks are likely to destroy all but the most baller of budgets. We suggest you start saving now.
The Snoke announcement caps a memorable week for the Ball clan. First Jay-Z told TIDAL’s Rap Radar podcast that he had ordered three pairs of ZO2s, and now Big Baller Brand picks up the Michael Jordan of the Star Wars universe. Congratulations LaVar, you’re on a roll. We can’t even begin to imagine what’s next!
As always, keep it locked to FakingStarWars.net for all the Star Wars news worth faking. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook for even more unbelievable news from a galaxy far, far away.
-William “Willybobo” Bobo
